


Counts for Something

by thisgirlsays22



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 08:00:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18048680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisgirlsays22/pseuds/thisgirlsays22
Summary: Jack wasn't there, Shawn was, and Shawn knew that counted for something.**Originally posted on lj in 2005.





	Counts for Something

**Author's Note:**

> I had no recollection of writing this fic or this ship, but now I have a craving for more angsty Shawn/Eric.

Eric never said anything the first time Shawn kissed him, not even, "What are you doing?" To which Shawn would have replied, "Nothing, unless you want it to be something, in which case, I would be kissing you."   
  
He just closed his eyes and kissed Shawn back, and Shawn knew Eric was thinking  _Jack_ , but Shawn didn't say anything. It didn't really matter what Eric was thinking. All that mattered was that he had Eric, and if he had Eric, he could find a way to keep him.  
  
Jack wasn't there and Shawn was, and Shawn knew that counted for something.  
  
Jack wasn't there to run down the streets in New York late at night trying to find a new club to try or a new place to get a slice of pizza or some shrimp fried-rice. Jack wasn't there to see Eric get wasted, he wasn't there to see Eric break down and cry, wasn't there to see how much pain Eric was in because of him.  
  
Shawn was.  
  
And Shawn kissed the top of Eric's head and he stroked Eric's hair--which he'd finally grown out again at Shawn's insistence--and Shawn had said, “I'm here, Jack's not, shhhh, it's OK, I'm here. I love you.”  
  
Eric hadn't reciprocated with, "I love you too." To which Shawn would have replied, "I know." Even though he'd have been lying though his fucking teeth.   
  
Eric just wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve, unzipped Shawn's pants, buried his head in his lap, and sucked him off until Shawn was so high that nothing in the world could bring him down.   
  
The blowjob wasn't an  _I love you_ , but it was something, and Shawn knew that.   
  
It counted for something the way Shawn being there when Jack wasn't counted. It was something, but it wasn't enough.  
  
Sometimes, when Eric fell asleep next to him, Shawn would give himself permission to cry, though he never did.

Maybe it was for the best. That way Eric didn't have to wake up mumbling sleepily, "What's going on? Why are you crying?" To which Shawn would have replied, "I don't know, all I know is that you don't love me, and you're right here in my arms, but I'm still alone, and maybe I always will be."  
  
Other times when Eric fell asleep, Shawn would look at him and think about how they used to be, who Eric used to be to him, who he was to Shawn now. He'd pretend he was all Eric ever wanted and needed.  
  
His best moments were probably spent with Cory in Central Park at what they referred to as 'our bench.' An old man visited that same bench every morning, at exactly 10:00, to feed the pigeons. The man was always gone by 10:30, so Cory and Shawn would watch him, silently, as he fed the birds, and they'd take his spot when he left.   
  
Eventually, Shawn told Cory about him and Eric, and he was so happy when Cory accepted it because, really, Cory was the only thing that mattered when he simplified everything in his world. Eric somehow always found his way back into the equation, but then again Shawn was never very good at math.  
  
Their spot was the place Cory told him Topanga was pregnant, their spot was the place Shawn told Cory that he loved Eric, their spot was the place that Cory confessed he'd had a crush on Shawn when they were thirteen and fourteen (maybe even fifteen), and their spot was the place that Shawn admitted to almost-crying on Cory's wedding because he had been in love with him since they were fifteen. It didn't matter now since Cory was married to Topanga, and Shawn loved Eric, so they just sort of hugged, and that made everything OK because, really, nothing could change that they were  _Cory and Shawn_ , and they would always be that way no matter what.  
  
When Shawn simplified his life down, Cory was always equal to one.   
  
Shawn never could add up, or reduce down, Eric that way.   
  
“Why don't you love me?” He asked Eric one day.  
  
“Why do you love me?” Eric returned.   
  
“Because even though you make me want to cry, you make me laugh, and smile, and write poetry that I know is crap, but I still like to read it over and over again anyway.”  
  
“Because you don't let me love you.”  
  
“What does that mean?”  
  
Eric just shook his head, and turned on _South Park_ for an hour, and he and Shawn laughed when Eric imitated _South Park_ 's Eric. They didn't talk about anything more that night, but long after Eric fell asleep, wrapped around Shawn, Shawn was still up thinking about what Eric meant.  
  
A day or so after that Eric suddenly came out with, “You're scared to really let me love you.”   
  
“Well, yeah!” Shawn blurted out involuntarily. It came out louder and shaper than intended, surprising himself and Eric because they were getting their skates on to go ice-skating, and even though there were people around them talking, it wasn't hard to hear, so people sitting and standing by them glanced over at them. Not for too long, though, because one of the great things about New York was that there were so many weird things going on that people stopped really noticing after awhile. It was mostly tourists that stared.  
  
“Well, yeah...?” Eric said, raising an eyebrow at Shawn, encouraging him to go on.   
  
“I'm scared to let you love me because I'm scared if you do I'll hurt you. I'm used to being hurt, but as long as you're with me I don't care. If I hurt you I might lose you like I lose most other people I love. Relationship-wise, I mean. And you love Jack, anyway.”  
  
“Shawn, it's been over a year since Jack left, I'm with you now, not him, and I know that. You have me, not Jack. You're here he's not. It's as simple as that.” And Shawn knew that it hadn't always been as simple as that, but maybe now it was.   
  
Eric continued, “And you're not going to lose me if you hurt me, I know there's a good chance we'll hurt each other, but I do know you love me—and that counts for something.”

And really it did. It always had.  
  
Eric kissed him, and that night Shawn fell asleep in Eric's arms long before Eric had even closed his eyes.


End file.
